I am sorry that our scheduled PSA about bees is not available this week, but I felt that there was something more urgent to have a PSA about, and that is Christmas Music.
Christmas music is the bane of any sane persons existance. All through out December they cheerily bleat out of every available speaker, are sung by almost every busker, and are hummed by random passers by. This, I think, will not do. I wish to get rid of almost all Christmas type music, but to do this, first we must understand our enemy.
We shall begin with a study the different types of Christmas songs.
Firstly theres the traditional Christmas Carols. These are the likes of Silent Night, Jingle Bells, and that silly drummer boy song. They seem to be mostly religion based songs, from early Christmasses, and their theme seems to be Jesus. These will be the hardest to eliminate, since they are so rooted in tradition that uprooting them may be impossible, but that shouldn't stop us from trying!
Next, would be the more modern version of the traditional Christmas Carols, and these would just be the plain ol' ordinary Christmas Songs. This category has songs like Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, and I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus. They seem to be based mostly around the Santa Claus, or Father Christmas, mythos. These may be slightly easier to get rid of than the first category, but may also be difficult to get rid of, because of the children. The horrible, horrible children.
Next in my list would be the Christmas Power Ballards. Mostly this category is comprised of remakes of the earlier categories, but with the difference that every word in the song has been stretched out to an extruciating length, making a simple song seem to last for hours. I think that these will be easy to get rid of, as I can't imagine that there is anyone out there who would not be horribly annoyed by these songs.
And lastly, I have reserved a special category for this one single song, and I am sure that it has a special level of Hell reserved just for the maker of this one song. And that song is, Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. This song is fucking horrible, and should be immediately struck entirely from human record. It gets ingrained into your head, boring into your brain causing irrepairable harm. If you think that you may hear even the start of this song, please, for the love of God and all that is Holy, please, just plug your ears and start running in the opposite direction.
Please note that I have not mentioned Snoopys Christmas, and I have a good reason for that. Snoopys Christmas is an awesome song, it is the only Christmas song that I deem worthy of being played during Christmas time. Well, that is a lie, there are other Christmasy type songs, but they wouldn't be allowed to be played in public places due to the lyrics, or the religion bashing that goes on in the songs.
My first order of attack would be to get rid of the power ballards. This may require hiring some hitmen to take out any and all music artists who decide to create a Christmas power ballard this year, just as a warning to the rest of them to not even try. Next, would be the Santa Claus themed songs, but this would require getting rid of the mythos of Santa Claus, and that would mean brainwashing every single person on the planet into forgetting about him. Next, and I've almost saved this one for last, but not quite, is the Grandma song. All I really want to do is find out who wrote the song, and horribly torture them. And lastly, is getting rid of the Christmas Carols. This would be the hardest, and would require a time travel machine, and those don't exist yet, so I won't go into details.
So all we can do at the moment is complain to the shop owners about the cheerful music, boycott stores and malls that insist on playing the horrible Christmas songs! The only other way to keep ourselves sane this holiday season is to plug our ears and hope that the music can't penetrate through.
Thank you all, and keep yourselves sane this Christmas!
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